Who Am I?

This blog has become to me more of a personal diary than anything else, and I love it for that. I realized last night, that my life and myself are really not who I thought I would be or see myself at 30 something.

I came to this realization about a year ago and committed myself to make some substantial changes, which I still intend to do and have started. Those included, where I lived, my relationships with my family members, and my relationships with my closest friends.

There are many things about me, even the people who are closest to me, that people don't know. Its as if I have retreated for about five years, slipping into a self exploration phase of my life to determine what it is I want, and who I am. This included simplifying my life.

This simplification began by saying goodbye once and for all to a very complicated relationship, one that no matter how I supported, I could not fix. And one that I felt I supported long enough to give him the opportunity at a life, but he could not prevail and I could not sustain. Another example of this simplification was to rid of any personal belongings that reminded me of a time in my life that I was ready to let go of. And also to rid of any personal belongings that were not a necessity, or something that I did not ABSOLUTELY totally love.

In my apartment in Miami, well technically it was my second apartment, was when this phase of 'feng shui'ing my life' began. My first year in Miami I spent 6 months living in the Marriott on Biscayne Bay. I can even begin to tell you how horribly I ate while living in that hotel. I started work typically at 5am and finished around 8pm or 9pm and would grab something to eat and crash. This went on for 6 months.

Then I moved into a beautiful high rise apartment building. Although I was not living alone. I moved in with a friend who came to me while living at the Marriott and disclosed that he had a serious drug addiction. Someone whom I thought I knew really well, only to find that he had been keeping this addiction from me for upwards of three years. His commitment to become clean motivated me to reside in his residence and support his journey. Three parties (all of which I ended up packing an overnight bag and getting a room at the Marriott so as not to dishonor my father) and one arrest later, he ended up back in his hometown, and I ended up on the apartment search.

I was scared. I really did not know which way was up or down. My head felt like it was spinning at a million miles an hour and rather on focusing on me, my head was on work. So I decided one Saturday, that I would focus on me. I looked at a few places and knew I wanted some place quaint, safe, clean, and affordable. I landed at this great place at 69th and Biscayne, bayside. A simple 8 story building, with tiny units, a gated entrance, and open lot parking area, a pool and a view of the bay and South Beach. It was a 450 square foot efficiency. I lived in that efficiency for a year, and had a bed, a TV, and an ironing board. I did not feel the need to furnish it with junk or stuff. I lived my life as a minimalist. I stopped buying clothes and shoes. I didn't buy any home furnishings.

I filled my life at that time with experiences rather than things. I learned to challenge myself to drive to places that I never would have probably gone if I did not get the opportunity to go to Florida. Key West, Marco Island, West Palm, to name just a few. I tried every kind of food I could get my hands on. I took myself to Azul to try some of Miami's finest cuisine or sometimes hit the local Cuban food prep area to get pork, rice, beans and plantains. My favorite place was this really sketchy bar / restaurant on Biscayne just up the street from my place that had the most amazing margaritas and tacos. I would stop early because at night there was some strange shit going on in there.

I survived a hurricane. Ran an office with 30 employees, and even learned a little about the legal system.

After I moved home, I kept on this journey of self exploration, continuing to live my life as a minimalist and defining myself, as I continue to do now.


I have not bought a new pair of shoes in over a year.
I have not bought a new piece of clothing in over a year and a half.
I own two pairs of jeans.
My favorite piece of clothing is a brown wool cardigan, that would make most women my age feel embarrassed for me (no I don't wear it out).
I enjoy wearing flat ballet shoes more than heels because they are more comfortable and better for my spine.
I am shy.
I listen more than I talk.
I have an opinion but do not always share it (this may seem ordinary to some of you but in my family and circle of friends its appalling).
I am in love with a man because of his intelligence and the way I have seen him treat people, and I really don't know him that well.
I have not made love in over two years.
I have not kissed someone in over a year.
I am self conscience about my face being touched since I was burned.
I want to be taken care of in the traditional sense. I always will work, but in all other sense, I want a relationship in which a man takes the lead and I persuade him in my lady like way when he is moving in the wrong direction.
I no longer like to be in charge.
I am most comfortable when I know I am safe.

I arose from bed this morning, my head a little groggy. My mind is not clear but I can tell I am on a mental journey of some kind. This post is not clean writing, but nonetheless, I am where I am in my head and this is what it is....

I do need that cup of French roast PRONTO!