Playboy Much?

When you were a kid, at what age did you begin to become aware of sexuality? When did you know that sex was something that existed, to be desired, to experience?

My father was an avid fan of Playboy. When we were kids, it wasn’t until I was 12 that I started to ask why a particular magazine in the mail came in a plastic cover that was black. I was on to my mother and fathers secrecy…I just didn’t know what it was.

My mom had the most amazing grand walk in closet. The closet was full of pretty colorful clothes, jewelry, handbags, scarfs, stockings, hats. It smelled like her perfume. A pretty musky scent. On the occasional opportunity I had to sneak into her closet and play dress up, I took full advantage. This normally required my mother and father to be invited to a wedding, a night out of the town with their friends, or a dinner date! I would convince the babysitter that my mom didn’t care if I tried on her clothes…played dress up. She didn’t really, but mom would scold me for being persistent with the babysitter rather than just obeying her.

So I would organize my mothers things. Fold her stockings nicely, try on a hat. I loved to try on her high heels. I used to pretend I was older, and of course sneak in a tube of lipstick and look at myself in the full mirror in the closet.

One time, I was fumbling around, and noticed the lower half of a small enclosed area went further back than I have ever noticed. Almost like into a secret attic area. I scrunched down and wiggled myself back there. Once I got through, the ceiling rose again and I could stand up. It was an attic, just behind the closet.

There were boxes everywhere. It was dark, smelled musty and kind of hot. I couldn’t find a light so I ran back to my bedroom and got my flashlight. The trusty flashlight my dad put in my room in case the lights ever went out. I knew exactly where it was if I was ever scared... and needed a night light.

I ran back excitedly to the attic area and flicked the on switch of the flashlight. I remember thinking briefly that it was boxes of money. I don’t know why, I just remember wondering how my mom and dad always had money. I had several friends whose parents couldn’t even swing a 5 dollar bill for taco bell for lunch. When I looked more closely, I realized they were boxes and boxes of books.

As I went through the books, I came across a variety of topics. Nursing books, law enforcement books, old cookbooks, fiction novels, dictionaries. Then I stumbled upon something interesting. A box filled with old magazines whose cover had pictures of naked ladies, and really pretty naked ladies. I opened up the book and could not believe my eyes. There were naked, and look like my mom naked, but their busts bigger, and the waists smaller.

I remember the feeling overcoming me excitement. Not in a sexual way, but in a girlie way. It was as if I knew that someday I would look like that, and I couldn’t wait. Ah ha, now I knew that those magazines were covered in that black plastic. I sat down, and read the magazine. The articles were weird. Things I didn’t understand but could tell there were funny things to adults. I liked most to read the stuff the girl who was in the centerfold wrote about herself…and they always had the most bubbly hand writing.

As I heard the babysitter coming up the stairs calling my name out wondering what I was doing upstairs in my moms closet for so long, I hustled to put the magazines back just so, turned off the flash light, hid it under a pile of stockings and pretended like I was trying on a hat.

“What are you doing in here” the babysitter asked.

“Nothing, just pretending like Im a big girl” I responded.

“But you already are a big girl” she said.

“But not a really big girl” I replied.

She laughed, grabbed my hand and took my downstairs and made me some popcorn. She was the coolest babysitter, Missy.

From that day forward, any and every opportunity I had to sneak into that closet and look at the pictures and read I took full advantage. My curiosity was overwhelming.