Thursday, May 28

Intoxicating

This past weekend was, by far, one of the best weekends I have ever experienced in my life. They say in life that timing is everything and there are times in life when you have experiences that completely reinforce this concept. I have been eagerly anticipating this blog post for several days, and my fingers can not type as fast as I would like.

For several years I have not been myself. The after effect of several difficult things in my life. As a result, my once self confident self was thrown off kilter. The A I once knew had disappeared and I was fighting to find myself once again.

This journey began with returning home. To that place that was safe, supportive and could offer me the foundation on which to build. Then came the job change. A very important change considering the professional journey and the future of the company. Moving and changing jobs within a three month time period was stressful, but with each decision and move, a move meticulously thought through as if I were playing chess for my life, gave me a sense of relief. Change was good. I was making steps toward a better life for myself.

I adapted to my new home, making it my own space, adapted to my new job by getting acclimated with the people and politics and took it at a steady pace. With each new experience I could feel myself growing within as well. But I was afraid to acknowledge that progression or fully think it through to experience it. Perhaps it was fear that I could really be happy once again, therefore not giving it the attention it deserved.

Since the New Year, and my declaration to release completely from my past; or at least those parts of it that were holding me back remembering the best parts that had become a piece of my personality, I can feel new growth each day.

My brother moving in with me was like a breath of fresh air. My perfectly decorated, perfectly clean house had suddenly become chaos, and I loved it. I loved knowing that someone was there if I needed to talk. I liked having someone share a meal with me. I liked knowing that if I were in trouble or he were in trouble we would be there for each other. I feel a sense of closeness to my brother which I always imagined but never had. I admire him, love him and appreciate his friendship to the ends of the earth. In addition, he is so honest with me that our conversations force me to confront issues that I refuse to deal with…because he knows its something I must overcome and he wants to help me get there.

On Friday, I had absolutely no intention of going out. I saw Friday as my opportunity as rest up for a busy weekend. My brother had plans to go downtown and meet up with a group of his friends. These were not his close friends (of which I all know) but a group of guys he flies with regularly and trusts. The conversation went like this:

J said, “You should come out with us. It’s a great group of people and I think you would really have a good time.”

I responded, “I don’t know J, I just don’t feel like it. I mean, I have nothing to wear, no time to get ready and I feel fat as hell. You know I don’t like to go out when I am feeling fat.”

He said, “Come on. Please come. Besides, I need someone to babysit me so I don’t get in trouble. You are not fat. Go put your jeans on, and do your hair and makeup real quick and we will go.”

I responded, “I know I completely suck, but I'm just not going to go.”

J said, “Are you sure, its going to be a really good time. Once you get out and start drinking you’ll forget about feeling fat and you will forget about all the shit that bothers you.” God love my brother for understanding that sometime alcohol does in fact heal the soul.

I contemplate. Studying his face that is filled with hope that I come hang out with. I had spent so many weekends on the couch when living alone, occasionally going out with my girlfriends but most times not having the courage, energy or desire. This is not how I once was but it was who I became with my struggling self confidence and holding onto my past.

J said, “Alright.” Disappointingly.

He jumped in his truck and drove off. It was a beautiful night. Sunny, 70’s, cool breeze, and the CAVS were playing so anyplace downtown would be sure to be an absolute blast based solely on the fact that everyone would have their TV’s tuned to the big game.

As he drove away, I walked back into the house, sat on the couch, turned on the TV and my stomach sank. I remember shaking my head and myself and thinking…

”Are you really going sit here by yourself all night when you have a perfectly good chance to go out and have a BLAST with your big brother!?”

I jumped off the couch, ran to the mirror in my bedroom and looked at myself studying my sad facial expression and body language. Then I said out loud, “I am so fucking sick of feeling sorry for myself!”
I scurried to find my cell phone, dialed J’s number.

J answered, “Hey. What’s up?” obviously still a little irritated that I decided not to go.

I replied, “Come back. I want to go.”

J said, “Are you sure? I don’t want you to go just because you think I need someone to watch me.”

I responded, “I want to go because you DO need someone to watch over you, AND I am not sitting here on my couch by myself on this gorgeous night.”

He responded, “I'm on my way back.”

I quickly found the only pair of jeans that fits my now round ass. The after effect of being totally and completely lazy. Threw on one of my favorite black shirts, slide into my ballet flats, pulled my hair back into a clip, fixed my makeup, threw on some gloss, sprayed a bit of perfume and headed outside. As I was walking outside he was pulling up in his truck.

He exclaimed, “That was quick! Look at you, you look great! I am glad you are coming.”

We jumped in the car and headed downtown.

The evening events were so fun. We started at a small bar on E 4th. Sat with a group of people drinking beers, bullshitting and watching the Cavs game. The group was so much fun. The conversation was across the spectrum. Wedding plans for one couple, flight training for another guy, discussion on another gentlemen’s decision to go another direction in his career…and then there was this last guy. Hysterical beyond any comprehension and his call sign was perfect considering his personality. I immediately took a liking to him which was only further reinforced when he took seat at the piano in the bar and began a Billy Joel rendition.
We moved onto another bar, where our party took on the likes of riding a bull. Pictures were taken to be sure to embarrass all. Ever tried to ride a bull drunk? Then onto dancing where we watched Lebron sink his last second shot, all the dancers retreated from the floor standing around the bar where the TV’s were positioned, exploding into joy as the ball went through the hoop and the buzzer sounded!

By this point, I was so completely intoxicated that I was not sure if I could move to the next place. But off we went, to see a live rock band. We danced for what seemed to be hours. As I danced, with my vodka cranberry in hand, sunglasses on at night and dancing from the inner depths of my soul with ALL my might, our friends about, I declared in my drunken stuper that I would no longer hold onto anything from the past that was holding me back. That I was going to live my life to the fullest extend and if there was anything I wanted to do, I was going to do it. If there was anything I was doubting, I was going to find out why I doubted and get the right answer. If there was anything I was thinking I could not do, I would conquer to prove to myself that I would. As we left the bar and staggered back to a hotel room (no way any of us could drive) and we all crashed on the beds, the gentlemen from the evening that I took a bit of a liking too, turned towards me lying on the bed and said,

“That was so much fun. I am so glad you came out tonight. I heard you weren’t going to come.”

I smiled at him and said, “I'm glad I came out too. I had a really good time. Although you do have a great voice, you do know that you can’t play the piano for shit, right?” He laughed. I then asked, “Would you please hold me?”

I fell asleep in his arms and never slept better. Most definitely the combination of my self declaration and his boyish jovial charm that reminded me to always have fun and always have a sense of humor. Morning came quickly, and as friends said goodbye and my brother and I drove home he turned to me and said,

“Well, are you glad you came out.”

I responded, “I am so glad I came out and I’m ready. I'm really ready to make some changes in my life.”

His response, “You have no idea how great you are. But you’ll figure it out.”

The only way I can best repay my brothers support is to show it in return.

5 comments:

me said...

hahahaha good for you! Life is short! enjoy while you can!

Steven said...

I'm really glad you went out and enjoyed yourself. Your article was so interesting and well typed I felt like I was there enjoying the bulshitting and such!! I'm really happy for you! You are a great and beautiful person.....as I always said.....I'm almost always right : )

Cocaine Princess said...

A lot of the time doing the things we don't want to do turns out to be a good thing.

Happy to hear you have a fab time out.

South Florida Lawyers said...

Sounds like it was just what you needed, at just the right time.

Good luck with everything!

The Constant Complainer said...

I agree with SFL, it sounds like this was just what you needed. Good for you!

It sounds like it was an awesome evening. Too bad the Cavs lost though.