Committing One Of My Greatest Sins

There are times in life when you commit a major sin; demonstrating conduct that is not becoming to the human race. Sometimes when you commit those sins, even though you know full well that you should not be, you are incapable of disciplining yourself to stop.

They are perhaps, the types of sins that give you the utmost pleasure and an equal amount of shame. The human psyche complex enough to give your conscious full permission to focus on the good and not the evil.

You stand there in a full length mirror, looking deep within yourself. Gesturing to the right and to the left as you have conversations with your angel-self and your devil-self sitting on your shoulder. A quick flick of your thumb and forefinger and your angel-self, adorning a halo and gold sandals, flies across the room, hitting the wall and falling dead to the ground. You have ushered your angel-self from your soul. “Who needs a conscious”, you chuckle to yourself.

Its only a matter of time that it will catch up with you. You begin to allow yourself to think about the consequences….but not long enough to truly realize or embrace. Its too hard to take it that far, because it feels too good. You give yourself full permission to continue, falling victim to the ‘wrongs’ you’ve had in life as motivation that you deserve it. Mother was right, two wrongs never make a right.

You walk around, living a secret. Most likely a sin or shame that you dare not share with another. Or if you do, its only with those that you know don’t really give a fuck about you, because they won’t pester you.

You catch glimpses of yourself in the mirror, you saw yourself as once beautiful but now what you see are the imperfections and ugliness. Its coming from within and exuding through your appearance. You scrutinize others to the same degree. When the hell did you become so judgemental?

You walk with an air of superiority because your insecurity is so great.

Any psychologist will tell you that a character representation that is prominent is typically a front to the complete opposite. Your subconscious knowing full well, but of course you are in denial. Overly Arrogant = Insecure. Gushing Love = Angry. Hyper Sensitive = Insensitive. Always Brilliant = Idiot. The only exception being Asshole = Asshole.

Your secret and sin finally become public, and the repercussions are greater than you anticipated. It is years before you fully realize the hurt you caused. Its only when you grow old enough to experience those life lessons that you realize its true impact.

Eventually, you find a way to forgive yourself, even though you were never forgiven. You wonder if the person will take their bad fortune to their grave, and you can only hope and pray that it is not something they think of during their last days, even though you know you will in your last days.

You carry on with life, trying to put together some sort of normalcy. You realize your purity was not stolen, and when given the chance you did not claim it back, but you surrendered and took it a step further.

I forgive myself and I forgive him. I hope the best for his wife and children.