Committing One Of My Greatest Sins

There are times in life when you commit a major sin; demonstrating conduct that is not becoming to the human race. Sometimes when you commit those sins, even though you know full well that you should not be, you are incapable of disciplining yourself to stop.

They are perhaps, the types of sins that give you the utmost pleasure and an equal amount of shame. The human psyche complex enough to give your conscious full permission to focus on the good and not the evil.

You stand there in a full length mirror, looking deep within yourself. Gesturing to the right and to the left as you have conversations with your angel-self and your devil-self sitting on your shoulder. A quick flick of your thumb and forefinger and your angel-self, adorning a halo and gold sandals, flies across the room, hitting the wall and falling dead to the ground. You have ushered your angel-self from your soul. “Who needs a conscious”, you chuckle to yourself.

Its only a matter of time that it will catch up with you. You begin to allow yourself to think about the consequences….but not long enough to truly realize or embrace. Its too hard to take it that far, because it feels too good. You give yourself full permission to continue, falling victim to the ‘wrongs’ you’ve had in life as motivation that you deserve it. Mother was right, two wrongs never make a right.

You walk around, living a secret. Most likely a sin or shame that you dare not share with another. Or if you do, its only with those that you know don’t really give a fuck about you, because they won’t pester you.

You catch glimpses of yourself in the mirror, you saw yourself as once beautiful but now what you see are the imperfections and ugliness. Its coming from within and exuding through your appearance. You scrutinize others to the same degree. When the hell did you become so judgemental?

You walk with an air of superiority because your insecurity is so great.

Any psychologist will tell you that a character representation that is prominent is typically a front to the complete opposite. Your subconscious knowing full well, but of course you are in denial. Overly Arrogant = Insecure. Gushing Love = Angry. Hyper Sensitive = Insensitive. Always Brilliant = Idiot. The only exception being Asshole = Asshole.

Your secret and sin finally become public, and the repercussions are greater than you anticipated. It is years before you fully realize the hurt you caused. Its only when you grow old enough to experience those life lessons that you realize its true impact.

Eventually, you find a way to forgive yourself, even though you were never forgiven. You wonder if the person will take their bad fortune to their grave, and you can only hope and pray that it is not something they think of during their last days, even though you know you will in your last days.

You carry on with life, trying to put together some sort of normalcy. You realize your purity was not stolen, and when given the chance you did not claim it back, but you surrendered and took it a step further.

I forgive myself and I forgive him. I hope the best for his wife and children.

The Case Of The Disappearing Liquids

At work, we have a mystery and a case to crack. Small bottles of liquids continue to disappear. Here is the laundry list so far of what has vanished into thin air:

One bottle of eyeglass cleaner
Three bottles of hand lotion
Two bottles of aerosol spray
Infinite bottles of h2o
One bottle of electronics cleaner
Four bottles of alcohol
Two bottles of compressed air

The obvious suspect would be the evening crew who cleans our space. But since we live in a democracy, and you are innocent until proven guilty, we would be committing a crime to say that we know who the offender is without good evidence. Suspect and coincidence is not enough.

Some think we should report it to the management. I say lets make it known publicly that we have an issue, and give the person the opportunity to return the things or replace them, no questions asked. If nothing becomes of that, lets see if it stops. If then it continues, lets pass the investigative work onto the authorities. And of course, I would have to set up bait since some of these things that are disappearing are things that I have brought into the office. I take offense to their actions.

To that point, I will say that although these things do not have significant monetary value, its more of a nuisance than anything.

For instance, I’ve smudged my glasses and reach for my eyeglass cleaner spray and its not there. My hands feel dry, and the nicely scented cherry blossom lotion I purchased is no where to be found. And finally, I really do not want to smell the men in my hallway after they have used the bathroom. I love it when someone walks around spraying hairspray or body spray in a dramatic fashion, obviously sending a message to the hallway shitter to at least give some effort. Maybe try closing the door after you’ve done your business…all the way please!

If it doesn’t stop after plenty of fair warning, I will for sure plant a hand lotion bottle that will be a concoction of my own, mixing plain non-scented lotion and vinegar. A scent sure to delight only the twisted. Maybe when they steal that and use it on their hands they will realize that things are not always what they seem.

As for the offender sticking to bottles and liquids, these products would look inconspicuous on a cleaning cart….hmmmm…..

New Do

For the past year, I have been trying to return my hair to my natural hair color. When I was a little girl, my hair was as white as could be. White, wispy and sometimes stuck straight up when my mom cut it into a short bob. I would dry my hair as a little girl by swinging on the swing set in the backyard. I loved to make "cherry bumps".

As I grew older, my hair became darker. Since I always secretly wanted to be a brunette, I relished in the fact that perhaps I would experience life as a blonde and as a brunette. Now we all know that blondes have more fun, but just as a hair cut can give the impression of your personality, so can the hair color. I remember vividly in 5th grade, my teacher Mrs. Burger, shouted out loud as the class was taking a test. She was a robust woman with a loud boisterous voice. The class had our noses to the desks, furiously filling in bubbles on the state exams. Mrs. Burger loud out a loud shriek. She exclaimed, "Angela, my dear. Your hair is turning dark!" I just looked at her. Not sure if it was a compliment or an insult, but I quickly concluded that it was a compliment, as at a young, ripe, impressionable age, I could not stomach an insult.

Blonde is fun, exciting, thrilling. Brunette is sexy, mysterious, seductive. Short haircuts can scream mom, or if done correctly they can be cute. Medium length hair or long hair either says 70's or sexy...all dependent upon the cut.

As I embarked upon my journey to return to my natural hair color, at the same time I gave up manicures and pedicures. I guess in a weird sort of way I was working to make my canvas blank, and rebuilding myself physically...and quite frankly I am totally sick of it.

I have wondered for the past year, as I have gotten fed up with my dirty dishwater blonde hair, limp roots and short manicured fingers and toes, when I would give in. But NO! I would not surrender to the temptation of vanity. I would defeat and find a way to feel absolutely beautiful without the need for any chemical or cosmetics! And to boot, the extra money each month was a treat. Mind you, highlight, cut, manicures and pedicures all come at a cost.

I've surrendered and scheduled myself a spa evening for Friday, May 8th. I am going to return to the Angela I once knew physically, the place where I feel most confident. I am going to remember how this past year of retreating to simplicity in my appearance, encouraged me to take a look within and realize that my beauty on the inside is really what matters, the outside is just a bonus. We all know it, we all say it, but the question of whether or not its truly what we demonstrate or conduct is another question. Ugliness comes in many forms, but the form that leaves the lasting impression is the kind of ugly that comes from within. I've been that ugly many times. I am beautiful on the inside...most times.

I have never thought that I would be approaching 32 (June 7th) as a single woman. I imagined I would be married, with a few kids and madly in love. I've been madly in love, but not the kind of love that sustains time. I've had the good fortune of having kids in my life, my niece and nephew and am reminded when I see them that I am not able to give up on my desire for an offspring of my own, ideally the product of love between two, but at a minimum...a part of me. But, as my choices in life have dictated; its just me. And since its just me, I am going to be the best me I can be. Inside, outside and all around.

Platinum blonde, short bob, big smile and wide green eyes. That does in fact suit me best physically. I may even throw in a mani and pedi!

A Celebration Fit For A Family

My family is my single greatest source of strength. During my facial lawsuit, my mom, dad and brothers were always there to listen to me babble, weep, and find my way through a complex legal process. They never judged, criticized or gave me 'tough love'. They just listened and understood.

I have not ever been one to be able to express my emotional feelings. When I was younger, I used to write my mom and dad letters and put them in envelopes and leave them on their pillows.

I invited my family to a long weekend in Florida. My first choice was Marco Island, but it turns out we landed in Naples. We stayed at a beautiful resort in old downtown Naples. Walking distance to 5th Avenue restaurants, shopping and the beach.

My mom and I fly in late Wednesday evening. We arrived at Fort Myers shortly after 730pm and drove to Naples. After we deplaned, we stopped at the rental car check in to get our car. We walked to pick up the keys to the car and we were greeted by a young, cheesy boy by the name of Chris. We had rented an SUV so that we could fit our family in it. Chris did not seem to think that our SUV was large enough. So after showing us three different SUV models, all three coincidentally an upgrade, I assured him the Nissan Exterra would suit us just fine. When that was not the right answer, he then switched to try to upgrade us to a Lincoln Town Car. He was pressure selling. I began to laugh, after we moved onto the Town Car. I said, "Chris, listen, the Exterra is fine. Let's get this paperwork completed so we can get out of here."

But no...we were just beginning. Chris moved onto insurance. Now...call me crazy, but I've never been one to understand the purpose of rental car insurance. Perhaps its because I have a good driving record with no major accidents, or perhaps its the comfort that I have the same auto insurance that my great grandparents, grandparents and parents have, thus understanding we are fully covered and fully vested. No one in our family has ever had a need to file a major claim. So, basically, I'm protected. Chris tried to pressure sell my mom and I to getting car insurance. He told of us a story about a woman who drove out, totaled the car and ended up in the hospital with not only medical bills but Enterprise rental car bills because she did not get the rental car insurance and her insurance did not cover her.

I couldn't believe my ears. As Chris told his story, I could see the anxiety, worry and fear just build in my mother. I told my mother to sit in the car while I finished the paperwork. As she closed the door to the car, I looked Chris straight in the eyes.

I said, "Do you understand what you are doing here?"

His response, "What?".

I responded, "Chris, you are scaring my mother with your pressure sell techniques for me to buy auto insurance."

I continued, "Understand me here and now. I am not buying the auto insurance. I plan on bringing this car back just as I am taking it."

His response, "Well you can't predict what is going to happen. You could have an accident." I insisted, "You are being a real downer Chris. We are on vacation. No deal, now let's sign the paperwork so we can get out of here."

Chris then continues to ask me about my deductible amount and the name of my insurance agency.

My response, "My insurance is Coniglio. I am not telling you my deductible. If something happens, we can discuss the particulars. See you Monday."

As we drove off, he walked away shaking his head at us. Yea, I thought thinking to myself, you thought we looked like suckers when we walked up to that booth, but no deal. I guess his revenge was giving us the cherry red Nissan Xterra that you could spot 5 miles away. I am not a red car kind of girl. I like the least amount of attention possible on the road, because I have a lead foot.

We had a nice drive to Naples. When we arrived at the resort, we checked in and settled down. The room requests were well documented and the suite was perfect. Feather pillows, marina view, third floor, not near the elevator, extra towels and a balcony. The master suite which my mother and I shared was overlooking the marina and had an access to the balcony. The second bedroom was situated at the front of the unit, giving my younger brother and his wife privacy...perfect.

Mom and I woke up early Thursday. We made coffee and tea and sipped it while watching the boaters get ready to go out for the day. The marina police strolled through and visited the boaters. Saying hello and checking in to see how long they planned on being around. The resort had condos that were owned and came with a boat slip. Obviously Floridians escaping their hefty schedules and responsibilities by coming to this escape.

After we took the scenery in, we went to the grocery store and stocked up on beer, sparkling wine, bottled water, snacks and the fixings for cold cut sandwiches - the obvious and easy and necessary guy food. Then, onto the airport to pick up my older brother. Thursday night we dined at Tin City and took in the Gulf view. Munching on stone cold crab and hush puppies and sipping on cold beers.

Onto Friday. This morning, however, we had three of us. Breakfast and coffee on the balcony. A quick stop at the gym. A Friday trip to pick up my little brother and his wife, an afternoon at the 12th Avenue Pier Beach and dinner was delivered pizza from a nearby pizza joint called Dino's. Neapolitan pizzeria style pizza. Delicious! We rented the movie, Burn After Reading. I had already seen it, but my little brother had not. Knowing his sense of humor, I knew we would all enjoy watching it together because its so funny.

Saturday, we woke up early, had bagels, cream cheese, coffee, tea and orange juice on the balcony. After, we quickly retreated to the resort pool. My older brother and I went early and had energy massages. It had been so long since I had a massage and I forgot how good it feels. We met my mom and brother and sister in law at the pool. It had a large swimming pool, a waterfall, a slow moving river that you could float in innertubes on, a lap pool, and an adult only quiet zone pool. We all opted for the lounge chairs adjacent to the quiet zone pool. Many drinks and lunch later, 4pm quickly fell upon us, and we retreated back to the room to shower and get ready for a trip back into Fort Myers to see, Fiddler on the Roof, at the playhouse. A treat from mom which began by feasting on a boat of sushi (sashimi / nigiri )and a few extra surprises (don't care for the eel) http://sushithaitoo.com/sushi_thai_menu.pdf. Dinner and the play was fantastic! One of Topol's final performances. I still have the melody, "If I Were A Rich Man" in my head.

Sunday, I woke, lounged around, and jumped in the car about noon to take my brother back to the airport and then drive to Miami to visit a friend, my old neighborhood and visit Bobby to check on apartment availability. What I enjoyed most about this trip was seeing my friend. He gave me a tour of a beautiful new home he purchased on South Beach. He is in the fun phase of selecting furniture and designing his personal space. He has great taste. The place is amazing and will be stunning when his renovations are complete. I left with the scent of his aftershave on my tshirt, and it was a pleasant treat for a tough ride home. A two hour trip became three and a half hours after I75 closed due to fires in the Everglades. I had never seen so many gas stations that I refused to stop at to pee, because they were so shady.

Monday morning came quickly and before I knew it I was back at home.

What I have not been able to demonstrate in this post are the great conversations I had with my brothers, my sister in law and my mother. Some of the conversations quick and easy. Some of the conversations deep and involved, complex. There is no greater joy for me these days than to feel close to the people I love most, my family.

What a great way to start the spring season! To Mom, Jeff, Dave and Lisa...thank you for such a fantastic weekend. I love you all very much! Oh, also, turns out the rental car was returned just fine - no accidents. So take that Chris!

Refreshed and Renewed

After a month of time off from my blog, I returned refreshed and renewed. Having just returned from a fabulous vacation in sunny Naples, Florida, I prepare to return to work tomorrow, with a better understanding of myself and the path I am going to take.

What I enjoy most about having time off is that you get to think about nothing but everything except work, and if you are lucky, you learn something about yourself.

What I learned about myself this past week is that I do not present to people the person who I think I am. Does this happen to you? Where you have moments, instances, perhaps even full up interactions when you understand how someone views you and looks at you, and you think to yourself, "Oh my god...thats not who I am?". Then you investigate inward and realize that its not them...its what you present.

Its often in life, I think, that we imagine ourselves to be someone and do not always present ourselves that way. Is it because we are trying to adapt to the other person? Is it because we become so set and comfortable in our ways that the change we know we take as a person is only mental?

Ive lived most of my life in the past 3 years in fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being hurt. Fear of, I guess, understanding who I am.

As I return from vacation, I look forward, not only to a fantastic summer with my brothers and niece and nephew, but also a summer to settle into myself, and sculpt myself spiritually and socially.

PS - To my fellow bloggers, I also have a lot of blog reading to catch up on.